Happy Sunday!
And welcome to today's edition of 'Conscious living with Purnima'. In today's post I talk about an approach to bring about positive behaviour changes in people we care about.
I have been using this approach with good results and would love to have you try.
So, let's get to it.
Bringing about a positive behaviour change is one of the biggest challenges that I face as a Fitness Professional. If you are familiar with the transtheoretical model of behaviour change, then you know that it's a herculean task to convince someone in the pre-contemplation stage to see things differently and evolve them to the action stage. It can be exhausting and frustrating but if succeeded in the endeavor there is absolutely nothing more gratifying.
I have observed that the habitual response that we indulge in to change a person is:
A. Righteousness:
Telling them exactly what to do as we have figured it out in our heads & know it to be true. Notice parents dictating kids to behave in a certain way, or a boss order a subordinate. There are innumerable other instances that you can spot if you pay attention.
This strategy almost always backfires as the people we are trying to change don’t see things the way we do, their brains are unable to comprehend our point of view and our righteous attitude only distances them from us.
B. Giving up:
The other thing we may do is give up and conclude it's a total waste of energy and it's better to not bother.
In today's post let’s explore an alternative to being righteous or giving up. And that's the ABC Approach that I learnt from ACE - American Council on Exercise.
The American Council on Exercise teaches its fitness professionals this approach to create positive behaviour changes in clients. I find that this works brilliantly even for personal relationships.
The A in ABC stands for "asking open ended questions".
Oftentimes we tend to make assumptions about why a person is behaving in a certain way - why they don't care about exercise? or why they don't pay attention to us when we talk? or why they spend so much time with gadgets or any other behaviour that’s irksome.
Asking questions opens up communication and brings to light what we may not know. The main intention here should be proper understanding of why the behaviour is the way it is.
What's important in this step:
A. The framing of the question & tone of asking:
This is important to ensure that the other individual feels safe to open up.
B. Active listening:
Paying attention to what the person is saying and asking relevant follow up questions can help you see things bit more clearly and learn about what may be causing the current behaviour.
The B in ABC stands for breaking down barriers.
Once an understanding is gained about the why of current behaviour, look for barriers to change.
I find that most of the barriers exist in the domain of mindset, habits/past conditioning or environment. And each one can be very powerful to break. Nevertheless, identifying the barrier itself can be a huge step.
Once you have identified the barriers, see if you can articulate it clearly to yourself first. Your understanding of the barrier is important to figure out the right course of action.
Sometimes you may come to the conclusion that the person isn't ready for change and that's ok, but you need to arrive at this based on clear understanding gained through probing. And not as a result of simply giving up or based on unconfirmed prejudices you have created in your mind.
The C in ABC stands for collaborating.
Use discretion in sharing the barriers you have identified with the person. And explore ways to collaborate with them to create positive changes.
I have been using this approach not just with my clients but also with my family & friends. I find that it helps me understand others more clearly, especially the differences I share with them, and problem solve in a much better way.
The next time you come across someone close exhibit a negative behaviour, don't resort to easy - being righteous or giving up on them but choose the more difficult but rewarding method of the ABC approach to turn things around.