Conscious Eating & Conscious Relationships
Drawing a parallel between the two & finding ways to strengthen both.
Happy Sunday!
And welcome to today's edition of 'Conscious living with Purnima’. In today's post I explore reasons why our relationship with food or people may be troubled, share evidence-based information rooted in science on why certain eating or relationship behaviours become addictive, explore a new mental model of approaching our relationship with food & people, and finally provide you with a step-by-step guide to move forward in a more conscious way.
I hope you find it useful. I will share references of my research for this article at the end of the post.
Reasons why our relationship with food could be troubling:
A. Lack of knowledge in formative years:
We were perhaps brought up in an environment where good eating habits were not emphasized. We either ended up eating too much of one food group or indulged in foods that didn't support us in our higher goal of functioning at our best.
B. Lack of awareness of why we can't stop eating unhealthy foods:
Mindless consumption of foods that harm us in the long run and not knowing why we can't seem to stop.
C. Becoming a prey to the dieting culture:
Eliminating certain food groups, adopting new style of eating that's difficult to sustain, weight cycling can all lead to developing a fearful & skeptical relationship with food.
Reasons why our relationship with people could be troubling:
A. Lack of a nurturing environment in formative years:
We were brought up in an environment where we were not properly nurtured, our strengths were not recognized, & we were compared and made to feel small. This could have led to the development of a low self-esteem that would make us want to hide our true selves, seek excessive validation and please people who don't see our worth.
B. Mindlessness:
Mindless interactions and internalization of other people's opinion of us can have a toxic effect. Other people's limitations can then become our own.
C. Denying the truth:
Not acknowledging that we have created unhealthy relationships can make the process of breaking the cycle to enable positive change difficult.
Why we eat unhealthy foods in excess or remain in toxic relationships - Scientific facts.
You must have heard the Lay's chips tagline: No one can eat just one! Of course, no one can because that's how it has been purposefully made.
Here's how this inability to eat just one comes about:
When we experience something pleasurable, a hug, loving words, a bite of tasty food or even a like on social media, a neurotransmitter called Dopamine is released in our mid brains. The dopamine then enters a circuit called the limbic system. That system includes the amygdala, a part of the brain that's involved in feeling emotion. And when the dopamine reaches the amygdala, it tells the body, this makes me feel happy. The limbic system also includes the nucleus accumbens, a part of the brain that regulates motor function and tells the body, do that again. And when dopamine is released, it also goes to the hippocampus, a part of the brain that's involved in the formation of memories. The hippocampus stores the details of the feeling and the stimulus that caused it. The last place the dopamine goes to is the prefrontal cortex, a part of the brain that deals with higher order thinking, like focus and achieving goals. Because ultra processed foods have a concentrated dose of fat, salt or sugar without the fiber or other nutrients found in whole foods, it becomes hard for the parts of our brain that know better to overcome the messages from the reward pathway making you eat way too much of it.
Similarly in relationships, if our early childhood environment was not a nurturing one, then it is likely that our nervous system would register the early experiences as 'the norm'. And the brains familiarity with past unhealthy relationship patterns causes it to attract similar unhealthy patterns in the future. The second aspect that makes one remain stuck is chemical. Just as in the case of food, every validation received from the toxic person can release dopamine & one can get addicted to the highs & lows of the relationship.
If we grew up in a dysfunctional household, then we may not have an understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like. Here are ‘7 elements of a healthy relationship’ put together by Psychotherapist, Kaytee Gillis that I recently read in Psychology today. These are something we should aspire to in the relationships that we create.
A new mental model to explore: Is this food or person worthy of me?
Most of us conceptually know what is good for us but we still indulge in actions that don't serve us. Having better mental models and a different mindset can be the game changer we need to reinforce good habits that serve us for the long term.
This particular mental model that I am about to share with you is something I learnt from Dr Maya Adam in one of her courses on ‘Rebuilding our relationship with food’. This model shifted my way of thinking. She says that asking ourselves, 'Am I allowed to eat this food? ' is really asking if we have been good enough (exercised enough & been careful with our other food choices) to deserve eating that food. This approach makes us feel judgemental everytime we choose to eat something and since nobody enjoys feeling judged it's not a good way of building a healthy relationship with food. She advises that instead of asking yourself if you have been good enough to deserve eating that food, ask yourself if that food is truly worthy/good enough for you?
You can do the same with your relationships. Instead of asking if you are good enough for someone, ask if the person you are trying to be friends with is worthy of you? To answer that you should be clear on your own values. If I were to answer that question for me, then it would be someone who is kind to me, supports me & sees something deep in me that they value that's beyond the superficial - external appearance & material status.
Same way, when it comes to food, foods worthy of me, would be kind to me & support me in my endeavor to function at my optimum capacity.
When you ask that question to yourself and the answer is No, then you may not always be able to push the person or food forever from your life. But when you are aware, you can choose to minimize consumption of that food & minimize the time you give to such a person.
Going forward try that approach and see if it changes anything. I find for myself, that I make better food & relationship choices with that question.
Step by step guide to setting your relationship with food & people on the right course:
Step 1: Pay attention.
Self-awareness is power. Keep a journal and begin the practice of logging your meals. Write down everything you are eating & drinking. Notice other tendencies like eating when you are bored, forgetting to eat when you are busy, munching on snacks after a satisfying main meal or overeating when in the company of friends. Identify your own unique behaviour. Acknowledging your quirks can help you break the cycle of repeating actions that don't serve you.
In terms of relationships, notice times when you succumb to people pleasing behaviours, feel the need to fake your real self or internalize other people's opinions of you. Make note of it. Notice when this happens & with whom.
Step 2: Train yourself to access the space between stimulus and response.
Cultivate a sitting practice. I know I repeat this every time like a broken record. And that's because it is important. A sitting practice will enable you to break free from auto-pilot responses by accessing that space to pause that Victor Frankl talks about in his quote, "Between stimulus and response there is a space and in that space is our power to choose our response. In that response lies our growth and our freedom."
While you pause, ask yourself the following 2 questions:
A. Is this food worthy of me? Is it kind to me, supports me in my endeavor to function at my optimum capacity?
B. If not, can I think of a healthier alternative that is equally satisfying in taste? Or if I am feeling too weak, can I minimize its consumption?
In relationships, ask yourself:
A. Is this person worthy of me? Are they kind to me, support me & care for my growth & well-being?
B. If not, can I minimize the time I spend with them?
Step 3: Use the self-compassion triangle.
At the top of the triangle is self-kindness which refers to being kind to yourself rather than berating or being overly self-critical when you make a wrong food or relationship choice. Begin to treat yourself like you would treat your best friend - with kindness, empathy and compassion.
At the bottom right, we have common humanity, which refers to knowing that "you are never alone". Be it in food or relationship choices, we all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. Recognizing that imperfection is part of life, will make you feel less lonely in your failures.
The last piece is mindfulness. In the context of food & relationships, it can refer to "making a mental note", paying attention to the choices you are making and the impact it is having on you. When you make a wrong choice instead of rebuking yourself, make a mental note, so you don't repeat it again.
I hope you will spend some time to reflect on today's post and apply some of the learnings into your life.
References:
https://coursera.org/specializations/food-sustainability-mindful-eating-healthy-cooking
https://www.claggie.com/journal/2022/2/16/replacing-self-criticism-with-self-compassion
https://www.mindful.org/self-compassion-the-often-missing-ingredient-in-healthy-eating/
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