While you may have read & heard many times that "your self worth is not dependent on somebody’s opinion of you", it requires a greater level of awareness to be able to truly understand & internalize that belief so that you are able to handle judgements, opinions and your desires for external validation mindfully.
In today's post, I will make an attempt at gaining this understanding. So let's begin with the basics.
What is external validation?
'External validation' is simply seeking approval of other people besides ourselves. Typically we seek this from :
A. Our loved ones - family, close friends
B. Anyone we admire, respect or look up to
What does external validation do?
Subconsciously it gives us a sense of feeling accepted, valued, respected & might even bring on a feeling of worthiness.
Ways this plays out in everyday life:
When we receive acceptance/approval from people we care about or people who we think are important, we tend to feel happy & good about ourselves.
And when we sense any disapproval or lack of acceptance, we feel like we are perhaps "not good enough" or worthy.
What are we missing?
Other people's opinions or judgement of you is based on who you appear to them at the moment. They have no background about your journey/ history which is an important piece of data for passing any judgement. Your journey - the environment you were brought up in, the kind of education you had, the kind of people who had the power to influence you, the experiences that life offered you, your current environment, and resources available to you are all playing a role into making you express yourself in a certain way.
And the only person who has information to that data is you. Then how can anybody's opinion of your work, or your personality, or your way of living your life etc. etc. etc. be completely valid or taken at face value?
There is a beautiful quote by Ram Das, a spiritual teacher that reads,
“When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.
The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You are too this, or I’m too this.’ That judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.” - Ram Das
How many of us have the wisdom to look with that sort of a vision? Very few, I bet.
People's opinion of you will always be colored. There may be some truth to it but it cannot be 100 percent accurate.
You may say, I get it theoretically but feel otherwise. And I understand. Feelings are feelings - not to be debated.
Ways to deal with the unpleasantness:
We can't help feeling great when we get treated the way we want. It feels good. And when we feel good we naturally don't introspect much.
It's when we are treated in ways we don't want - when our work is disapproved or we don't get the recognition or attention we think we deserve, do we get upset or begin to question our worth.
This is normal. Acknowledge how you feel.
During these times, tell yourself that while the feelings are real, the premise on which those feelings have risen are not true. Feel the feeling and let it pass. Everything passes and is in a constant state of flux - thoughts, emotions, life situations, success, failure, our opinion of others, others opinion of us. Nothing is permanent.
Do what's needed to nurture & care for yourself during this time of feeling poorly about yourself. Even though it is not justified. Self care can mean different things to different people - you may prefer to read inspiring literature or spend time in nature, journal or create something like a poem or a piece of art, or work on moving forward on some of your own personal goals. Be relentless in the pursuit of self care because if you are not at your functional best, you cannot be of value to anyone. As you care for yourself and make forward progress (no matter how small), the more freedom you will experience from allowing external validation to impact you negatively.
A Reminder
As humans we are very forgetful and it helps to have daily reminders that help awaken us to our individual potential. I have one for you today and that's that: There is only one of you. And you are here because the universe wants you. Otherwise you wouldn't be here, right? You are worthy because you exist. Period.
Remind yourself of this every single day of your life. Everyday you wake up, you have before you 24 hours to live. You can choose to be present with your life, as it unfolds and brings to you different experiences in the form of people who bring you joy, or people who bring on a headache, situations that seem hopeless, or situations that trigger hope & excitement. Every day is a mixed bag and every day affords the opportunity for learning and using the experiences to grow. Into a better and wiser human. If we intend to do so, we can.
A word of caution
Being free from seeking external validation does not mean we don't care about other people's opinions and remain pig-headed in our ways. That is not the point.
Our perceptions and ideas are mostly based on our own limited understanding and knowledge. When we listen to others opinion with an open mind, we may learn something and see things differently. A new perspective is offered to us.
What we should be cautious about is to not take disapproval, rejection or criticism as a personal attack on self worth.
How our life expression becomes when we become a bit more free from seeking external validation (complete freedom may be too idealistic but I am sure is possible):
A. We experience the freedom to be:
To share our work or our opinion about something, knowing it may not be accepted by all, but doing it nevertheless. Because it's what we believe in and who we are at the moment. We can be "authentically us".
Shanon Fable, a Business coach who has been a valuable guide for me in the last one year or so said something inspiring that I always recall when I am hesitant to share something & that is : "Your imperfect voice is better than your perfect silence".
B. We are more open to criticism and not afraid of rejection :
Not being afraid of criticism or rejection, can give us the freedom to try something new, to make an attempt, speak our minds, or ask for help when we feel the need.
This has a lot of potential for growth as we stop perceiving failure, a negative feedback or lack of cooperation from others as a personal attack and become curious about why we failed or what a person's action (a feedback, opinion or response) could mean and see if there is anything we can take from it to grow or course correct our actions.
C. We honor our life, journey & are self compassionate :
In order to courageously face disapproval, judgements & the opinions of the world we have to learn to be self compassionate. Its a key skill that can help us navigate through the harshness of the world that we may encounter as we go about living our life.
I will conclude this post with a lovely poem by one of my favourite poet, Mary Oliver. It's called the ‘Wild Geese'. While you can interpret the poem in many different ways, I am sharing this in the context of not allowing external validation of any kind to weigh you down. Find freedom in ways that work for you and know that no matter what judgement anyone passes, you are always worthy 💕
The Wild Geese - Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –over and over announcing your place in the family of things.
Such a powerful article! I nodded my head “yes! yes! yes! ” throughout your article!
The analogy to trees is powerful. I think while I have worked extensively on not judging people, it will help me to think of myself as that tree when someone judges me.
Self compassion and self care are harder to cultivate. I’ve talked to people who told me they think of their inner self as their child as nurture it like they nurture their children.
Great, inspiring article!
This I would say one of your master piece of your works.... Much needed for me and most of us... Portrayed the fredom so beautifully... Just loved the experience I went throught...💕 My sincere gratitude for all your articles, it has given me much positive influence to make me a better person 🙏🤗