In a noisy world where everyone seems to be airing their opinion, it may seem like your own voice is getting lost. You may wonder if anyone is even listening. And if it really matters that you speak your mind when you so desire it.
Truth is - it does matter.
You matter. And what you think, feel and voice matters. And you have to believe in this so you can give yourself the permission to express yourself unbridled. And if there is authenticity and sincerity in your self expression then you will not only be healing yourself (by allowing your uniqueness to shine) but also heal others who gravitate to your voice and find meaning in it.
Some ways in which we undermine our self worth & self expression:
1. Falling for the tricks of the mind:
Our minds trick us into believing that to be worthy we have to be something more than what we already are. Stronger, smarter, leaner, wealthier, popular, etc.
As long as we believe in this, we can never feel truly worthy or enough. Hence it is imperative for us to drop this belief.
While the "I am enough" movement is big, I have seen that not many of us internalize it.
Ask yourself, if you truly feel enough? Be honest. It's ok to not resonate with the idea fully. Which just shows that you need to do some work to befriend yourself & value yourself for who you are right now. If you feel you are "less" (for whatever reason) you are going to show up that way in the world.
2. Playing small / Imposter syndrome:
The thoughts of "who am I to be so good", or "who am I to voice my thoughts”, can be self sabotaging and can prevent us from showing up like we matter. Marriane Williamson, the American Author, spiritual leader and political activist puts this idea across very beautifully when she says:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
3. Relying on other people's opinion and validation of us to define our worth:
Sometimes we may judge ourselves based on how others perceive us. If others think of us as small & unimportant we may internalize that label and appear small and unimportant in front of them.
If we are not careful we can unconsciously allow a lot of the negative labels cast upon us by others to stick to us like velcro. Getting attached to some of these labels can make change feel impossible for us.
4. Having limiting beliefs & fears that hold us back from doing our best:
Society has its own standards of success and of how much of ourselves we should give to a project, to our work or our relationships that can have us holding ourselves back.
But when we hold back from giving it our all to things that matter to us, we are restricting our potential and putting a self imposed limitation on our personal happiness.
In this light I found the following quote by Jiddu Krishnamurti worth pondering over:
You know, there is the intellect, and there is pure feeling — the pure feeling of loving something, of having great, generous emotions. The intellect reasons, calculates, weighs, balances. It asks, “Is it worthwhile? Will it give me benefit?” On the other hand, there is pure feeling — the extraordinary feeling for the sky, for your neighbour, for your wife or husband, for your child, for the world, for the beauty of a tree, and so on. When these two come together, there is death. Do you understand? When pure feeling is corrupted by the intellect, there is mediocrity. That is what most of us are doing. Our lives are mediocre because we are always calculating, asking ourselves whether it is worthwhile, what profit we will get, not only in the world of money, but also in the so-called spiritual world — ”If I do this, will I get that?”
5. Not setting clear boundaries:
People will treat you at your own estimate. So if there is anything anyone says or does that you are not comfortable with, then learn to speak up and assert yourself.
I used to struggle a lot with this. But over the years I have learnt to speak my truth and assert myself in a manner that is straightforward and non belligerent. And it has helped me a lot. To be assertive is an important life skill that we must all learn.
What you can do to find confidence in who you are (right here right now) and be unapologetically yourself :
A. Cultivate empowering beliefs:
You have to believe that you are worthy, in this very moment.
I invite you to do an exercise with me right now. Pick up a sheet of paper and make 2 columns. On one side right down the challenges you have faced in your life. You can also include a current challenge that you are facing. And on the other side write down the inner resources & strengths that you have used or are using to overcome these challenges. Take your time to do this exercise.
Once you are done, give it a read. And if you are not in the mood for writing then just reflect - reflect on the strengths you used to overcome some of the difficult life situations.
And now tell me, are you not worth it? Right here. Right now?
If you did this exercise sincerely then I am sure you would be feeling so proud of yourself.
Any time you doubt your worth, just read this sheet you just made. Or recall the reflections you just made on your inner strength.
B. Give yourself the permission to change:
Yesterdays patterns need not be today’s. Every moment is an opportunity to take a deep breath and start afresh. It doesn't matter what your past looks like. If you are unhappy with any aspect of your life, then take responsibility and endeavour to change it. As long as you have life in you, know that you can strive to be whatever you want.
The more responsibility we take for our lives and put in the efforts to make positive changes, the better we feel from the inside & that creates a positive impact in the way we show up in the world.
C. Give yourself the permission to make mistakes:
Fear of making mistakes or being rejected can prevent us from taking action - from voicing how we feel about something, or from reaching out to someone we wish to connect with, or from asking for help etc. Even if our voice is not heard, person we wished to connect with didn't reciprocate or the help we expected was not given, we still win. Because we took action. Mistakes if introspected have a lot to teach us. We learn about ourselves by reflecting on why we acted in a certain way, we learn about others and we also learn to awaken self compassion which makes us resilient and keeps us moving forward. As Albert Einstein said, “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”
D. Use empowering language while talking about yourself & also pay attention to your inner dialogue:
The language you use to talk about yourself has an impact on your psyche. Catch yourself using sentences like:
“I am just a homemaker”, or, “I am just a teacher” or “I am just a volunteer” etc.
While the usage of “just a” might seem innocuous on the surface, it can have a powerfully undermining influence on your confidence.
So pay attention to the language you are using. Ask yourself if it's respectful. And throws a positive light on your being.
In addition to how you speak about yourself, also pay attention to your inner dialogue. Here's an exercise in mindfulness that you can try in order to catch negative self talk:
Put a band around your wrist. Everytime you catch yourself saying something negative or harsh to yourself, switch the band from one wrist to the other. Notice by the end of the day how many times you had to do this. This exercise will sharpen your attention to when you succumb to negative self talk and that will open up space for change.
E. Value people:
And by people I don't just mean your immediate family and friends but everyone who touches your life - the mail man, the security guard, the house help, your colleagues, the person you just met on the internet, random strangers. Everyone.
Treat others like you would want to be treated.
Everyone, without exception, wants to feel respected, valued & loved and this is the common need that connects us all. We can be cognizant of that in our interactions with others. In valuing others we reflect the value we have found for ourselves within.
I will conclude this post with the story of a boy who goes to find the worth of his grandfather's antique watch. I hope the story awakens you to your own worth and this post in its totality encourages you to express that worth confidently.
“A dying father called his son to his bedside and presented him with an old pocket watch. The father said, “Your grandfather gave this watch to me. It is more than 200 years old. But, before I give it to you, I want you to go to the watch shop and tell the owner you want to sell it. Ask him what price he would pay for it.”
The son went to the watch shop and then returned to his father’s bedside. He reported, “The watchmaker said he would pay $5 for the watch because it is old and scratched.”
The father then said to the son, “Go to the coffee shop and ask the owner if he would be interested in buying the pocket watch and what he would be willing to pay.”
The son ran to the coffee shop and quickly returned. He told his father, “The coffee shop owner said he didn’t have much use for an old pocket watch but offered $3 for it.”
Finally, the father told the son, “Go to the museum and show them the watch.”
The son left for the museum and returned with a look of astonishment on his face. He whispered, “Father, the curator at the museum offered me $1 million for this pocket watch!”
The father laid his head back, closed his eyes and said: “I wanted you to experience for yourself that the right place, and the right people, will value your value in the right way. Never put yourself in the wrong place, with the wrong people, and then get angry when you don’t feel valued. Don’t stay in a place, or with people, that don’t value your value. Know your worth and while being confident in your own value look for the value and the potential worth of others.”
Great article to read and connect with ourselves, the way, we treat ourselves and people around us. They always say "The value of oneself is not known unless you know about yourself".
Good one. That last story never gets old :-)