Each of us have many stories to tell. Stories of fear, resilience, determination, failure, persistence, disappointment, hope, embarrassment, shame, loss, success etc. While some stories we love to revisit & talk about, certain others we feel would be best kept hidden in the attics of our heart.
No matter which, they all have a role in shaping us into who we are today. Every story seems to have a lesson ( hidden / apparent ) & depending on how we choose to narrate them to ourselves / others, can cast a powerful influence on our psyche.
Our stories then, can either be our own prisons, limiting & pulling us down or become gateways to freedom & growth.
I will pick 'one story' from my own life, to illustrate the point.
By virtue of my dad being in the armed forces, my sisters and I never quite had a stable academic life. Every 2-3 years we would move to a new location & a new school. And by the time we got adjusted to the school, teachers, people etc, it was time to move again. My early childhood years, from 3-8 years were spent in North India ( Punjab to be precise ). And when I was 8 years old, I landed in Madras from Punjab. The only language I knew to converse in was Hindi and I was in a land were people spoke only in English or Tamil. Needless to say, it wasn't an easy year for me. I can still remember ( like it happened yesterday ) the panic of entering the wrong class on the first day of school and being asked in a foreign language ( foreign to me at the time ) , as to who I was & what I was doing there.
But children are resilient and as a child I managed to cope and in just a couple of years became fluent in all 3 languages - English, Hindi & Tamil. Of course, by then it was time to pack bags & move again. While an unstable academic life is one side of the story, the other side is increased adaptability, openness to uncertainty & change, better people skills and ability to mingle with people from all walks of life.
And all this got wired into me, as I lived out the experience life offered me. Without me even realising it.
When I look at it this way, I feel grateful for the experience. I can look back on even the unpleasant parts of constantly having to adjust to new surroundings & people fondly. And treat that as part of my growth.
Talking about other stories, it is possible that some of our negative life experiences start to influence the way we respond in our present life. For instance, if you were raised in an environment where you were never appreciated, then you may find it difficult to accept appreciation. It might feel awkward as it's a new experience, something your brain isn't accustomed to. But when you become aware of this response and the underlying cause, you are offered an opportunity for self work, to change & move past your conditioning, that isn't serving you. This, is in no way easy. But that's what makes personal growth so rewarding. Everytime you move past a conditioning, you feel a bit more free, like you can breathe a little more. Like a chain that was binding you got cut.
Old patterns can & should be broken when they don't serve us. And we have the power to do that, with self reflection, increased awareness, gentle work & patience.
What does all of this mean for us ?
A. Your stories make you "you". Owning them and having the courage to see what they are telling you, will show you were work is needed.
Owning our story does not mean we make identities out of them. It does not mean we justify our current self sabotaging behaviour by putting the blame onto some past experience. What it does mean is that we accept all of our past stories as it is, without wishing them to be anything different.
We take full responsibility for our life, and work on moving past our limiting patterns. And we do this bit by bit ( definitely not in a way that overwhelms us ) , unraveling layers of us, that we never knew existed.
“Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own transformation.” - Lao Tzu
B. Just as "your stories make you", other people's stories make them. Realising this can make you a little more compassionate towards others whose personalities might be starkly different than yours.
Truth be told, not everyone is into self work. And most people you come across in life will act out old patterns. Being aware of this can help you to not take everything they say or do personally. This will add more ease into your relationships.
“Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. Their point of view comes from all the programming they received.” - Don Miguel Ruiz, from the book, ‘The four agreements’
C. In the same light, as our past experiences have created our present, our current experiences, attitude & choices will determine our future self.
So become attentive of your current life experiences, see what's life asking of you. Asking yourself, what's life asking of you, is something I learnt from Victor Frankl's book, "Man's Search for Meaning". I found that to be a more profound question, than asking, "what's the purpose of my life", which is always so vague & changing. Asking yourself what's life asking of you, is simple because it's right there in front of you. All you need to do is open your eyes & see.
You are most likely already playing certain roles - May be of a mother, or a teacher, or a doctor, or a homemaker, an entrepreneur, a student or a mix of many of these. How well are you playing these roles ? What are you learning each day as you play these roles?
As a teacher / parent / student / employee, how are you adding value to the lives of those around you ? Are you nurturing, supporting & uplifting others, helping them see the goodness & potential in them, that they themselves cannot see or are you too absorbed in your own life?
Are you allowing your current life experience to influence you positively, looking for ways to grow, evolve, change for better or are you protesting & complaining, wallowing in self pity & non acceptance, of what is & wishing for a 100 ways in which things should be different?
Finally why should you bother with all of this?
You should bother with all of this because healing the world begins with healing ourselves.
And we cannot do that if we disown our stories, don't accept our life for what it is, and don't have the willingness to work with what we have got, & make an effort to steer our life in a direction that feels right for us.
As one of my favourite meditation teachers , Jack Kornfield says in his book, "The Path of Insight Meditation", "Our lives are quite short. Our childhood goes by very quickly, then adolescence & adult life go by. We can be complacent & let our lives disappear in a dream, or we can become aware."
Choice is ours.