Self-work: A Deep Dive
On what it is, why it's important, why so few people do it & some resources I have found helpful on my journey
We are all meant to live our lives feeling good about ourselves. We are not meant to go about our lives constricted or feeling diminished. But unfortunately, a lot of us find ourselves questioning our worth and fall into the neurotic ego's trap of continually seeking more, being overly controlling, feeling inadequate or entitled. Falling into this trap we create our own suffering.
I have been contemplating Lao Tzu's quote for a long time & I think there is a deep truth in it.
“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”
To realize the truth inherent in that seemingly obvious quote, requires self-work.
What is self-work?
Self-work is any work you do to understand yourself deeply. It's the work you do to answer the question "who am I beyond my identities?". It's the work you do to make conscious all that's buried in your psyche & which is dictating the course of your life for good or for bad.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.” - C.G. Jung
How can self-work be useful?
Self-work can help create space where we once felt constricted. It can help us move through pain & suffering towards understanding, acceptance & a natural awakening of self-compassion. It also has the power to offer us the freedom to live feeling good about ourselves & our life.
If self-work brings such good results, then how come very few people are committed to it?
Some reasons, if not all, could be:
✨ It's a lifelong work demanding patience & persistence.
✨ It can be painful as it demands honestly on our part & a willingness to be vulnerable.
✨ It involves confronting or rather befriending difficult emotions.
✨ Growth is not linear. There is a lot of falling down and picking one up involved which is draining & requires energy - a scarce resource in today's fast paced modern life.
✨ Most people don't know how to do this kind of work on their own & there is still stigma associated in many sections of our society on working with a therapist.
✨ Our achievement driven society gives more importance to external appearances & how we look over how we truly feel within.
All these challenges can act as barriers for a person to do steadfast work in the area.
My journey with self-work:
I was drawn to self-work to create more spaciousness within me. I wanted to be able to accommodate my life experiences that weren't always pleasant in a way that did not impact my capacity to experience joy. Somewhere within me I felt this was possible and decided to embark on this journey of self-discovery sooner rather than later.
This is how my self-work journey typically looks like:
Stage 1: Pick a practice to do. As I believe I have got to take some action to bring about a desired change.
Stage 2: Diligently stick with it. Even find a group of willing people to do the practice with for accountability.
Stage 3: Experience change and a feeling of well-being.
Stage 4: Question the practice.
Stage 5: Wonder how on earth I could even think of doing that practice in the first place.
Stage 6: Reject the practice.
Stage 7: Find a new practice
And the journey goes on :-)
This is how it has been, and I think it's a sign that my consciousness is evolving. Even though the first practice ceases to make sense I know it is a necessary part of my journey.
What’s important is staying on the path and then the path evolves of its own accord & takes us to places we never thought we would find. At least that’s what my experience has been.
"How long will it take me to master aikido?" a prospective student asks. "How long do you expect to live?" is the only respectable response.
Ultimately, practice is the path of mastery. If you stay on it long enough, you'll find it to be a vivid place, with its ups and downs, it's challenges and comforts, its surprises, disappointments, and unconditional joys. You'll take your share of bumps and bruises while travelling - bruises of the ego as well as of the body, mind, and spirit- but it might well turn out to be the most reliable thing in your life. Mastery is practice. Mastery is staying on the path.” - Mastery, George Leonard
How to tell if you need self-work?
I feel we all need it. And the more of us do it, the better world we create for ourselves and others. Its continual work. But there is one 'determining factor' I like to use.
If you are not feeling satisfied with your life because you feel you need ‘xyz’ thing to be happy or feel like no matter what you do you never feel good enough then you definitely need to invest time & effort in self-work.
Some Resources I have found useful on my journey:
✨ How to be an Adult by David Richo - A handbook for psychological and spiritual Integration.
I discovered this author recently and I loved this handbook. It is great for anyone looking to do self-work on their own. Here's an affirmation from it that I stuck on my sticky board to serve as a daily reminder:
I accept this reality: This is my Body. I surrender to every This and Now. My love lets in what fear shuts out. I parent myself. More and more I yield and make peace. I drop “should’s”; I make choices. I always have a choice. I walk freely on the earth. I have power: I let go of the need to control. I drop guilt: I deserve pleasure and power. I drop effort and all that I need comes to me. I do what I need to do and trust the universe to carry me through. I have what I need and need what I get. Whatever happens to me is for me.
✨ Aware - The Science and Practice of Meditation.
This book has brilliant frameworks that one can apply to one's life to find more integration and sense of wholeness.
✨ The Master Key System by Charles F Haanel.
I had picked this ages ago and I find the lessons relevant to this day.
✨ I am that - Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj.
If you have been on a spiritual exploration, then this is a must read & keep. Nisargadatta speaks profound things very simply. I have great admiration for this saint.
✨ Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism - Chogyam Thrungpa.
This is a recent discovery. I found it refreshing and interesting.
What I am currently reading (that has nothing to do with self-work :):
The work of a lifetime. Thank you for the reminders and recommendations 🙏🏼