Happy Sunday!
And welcome to today’s edition of ‘Conscious living with Purnima.’ Last week I spoke about increasing your awareness to your habits. I hope you got a chance to do the exercise of reflecting on habits that serve you and those that don’t. Today, we will focus on relationships. As with the previous post, I invite you to use your journal to do the exercise on clearly spotlighting the who’s who in your life.
Let’s get to it.
There are several different categories of people in our life. Knowing who falls where can help you better manage your relationships in terms of both strengthening as well as pruning.
Category A: People who are good for your Nervous System.
These are people you can be yourself with. You feel free, relaxed and just plain accepted for being you. Even if they were to knock on your door at an unforeseen hour, you would be more than willing to receive them without feeling the need to make yourself presentable or anything of that kind.
These are the most precious people. Write down their names. And make sure to schedule time with them. And find ways to let them know that they have a special place in your heart.
Category B: People who come to you for care, support, guidance, help etc. Basically, people who depend on you in some way.
These could be your kids, family members, customers, employees, colleagues, boss, students, even a friend. Three things that you need to be careful about with this category of people are:
A. Not having boundaries:
When I switched my field of work from Advertising to Fitness, I was blinded by passion. I had no boundaries. Deluded by the idea of ‘making a difference’, I lived in a bubble that had just me and my clients. They could approach me anytime they wanted, and I was ready to help them. I didn’t realize I was compromising on self-care and was experiencing the feeling of being like Atlas who carried the burden of the world on his shoulders. I had to learn the hard way. I am sharing this personal story, so you don’t make that mistake.
It’s very easy to lose our boundaries with this category. Adam Grant in his book ‘Give and take’ talks about his research finding which reveals that givers are likely to be the most successful people. The research shows that the least successful people are also likely to be givers. A crucial difference between givers at the top of the ladder and givers at the bottom is how they handle boundaries. To quote Adam Grant, verbatim “Instead of trying to help all the people all the time with all the requests, successful givers reserve their generosity for givers and matchers, they block out time to get their work done, and they help in ways that energize them and make a unique contribution.”
In her book ‘Influence is your Superpower’ Zoe Chance says, ‘Givers who don’t learn to say no get sucked dry by over-giving and become easy prey for opportunists.’
Long story short maintain boundaries by standing up for yourself when you need to but also keep these people in mind so you can serve them in unique ways that strengthen your relationship.
B. Trying to change them into versions we think is best for them:
Since this is a category we feel responsible for, we may unconsciously try to change them, or impose our ideas on them on how they can get better. I know I succumb to this as a Coach & as a mom. But when I dig deep, I realize this doesn’t serve them.
This category benefits more with empathy and collaboration over a top-down approach of advising and being condescending.
C. Judging and comparing:
Since we know so much about this category of people, it is easy to get judgemental, or compare them with others.
Stop for a moment and reflect if you have ever done this to anyone in this category: a family member (kid/spouse/sibling), a colleague or a student if you are a teacher etc. Be honest with yourself.
We may do this unconsciously almost on auto-pilot to their shortcomings. But this does not serve the relationship. Judging and comparing only distances us from people we are supposed to love. Be aware and catch yourself from indulging in this behaviour.
Category C: People who serve you.
These could be your family members, your trainer, cook, family physician, therapist, community helpers, employees etc. Reflect on them.
It’s easy to not acknowledge the people who serve us & take them for granted. We may think they have it all sorted. But that is far from truth. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who is doing her ‘Psychotherapy Counselling Course’, and she was telling me how her teachers made her feel almost cradled by asking questions like, “did you sleep well?”, & “are you getting good rest?” How many of us have asked or been asked such questions? ‘How are you?’ is not even a question anymore. Just a casual greeting. Isn’t it?
We need to ask ourselves why we have become so transactional and deficient in our ability to offer care? I am afraid it’s because our own cups are so empty, we don’t have the capacity to be curious or show genuine care for another human.
It doesn’t have to be this way and we don’t need to be Psychotherapists to be caring. A simple dictum we can choose to follow is to care for people who care for us. And fill our cups so we have the capacity to be available for them just as they are for us.
Category D: Significant people from the past.
These could be people who were significant at some earlier season of your life but today the relationship seems to be fizzling. Reflect on who they are and if you would like to revive the connections or let go. Remember that relationships are a two-way street and the effort to connect has to be made from both sides.
Category E: People who are not good for your Nervous System.
These are people who trigger you. Most likely because their values are not aligned with yours. Knowing who they are is important. So, you can be mentally prepared, self-regulate your emotions and refuse to give them any more of your energy than required and safeguard yourself from being influenced by theirs.
Also, if possible, minimize your time with this category of people for your own mental and emotional health.
Principles for creating new relationships that feel good- Personal & Professional
A. Stay open to finding people who align with your energy, suspend judgement & awaken a spirit of understanding:
When meeting new people make conversations with the intention of getting to know them. Sometimes our judging personality might start to show up & interfere with our intention. Stay aware and ask it to take a step back and turn on curiosity and genuine interest instead.
This is something I practice when I go to any new networking meeting, and I find that this mindset helps me connect with people better.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. - Dale Carnegie
B. Practice Authenticity:
It sounds simple but practicing authenticity is very hard. As humans, we seek validation and will sometimes do anything to be seen and valued, even if that means faking our person. Just recognizing this tendency can help us break free from it.
If you feel that you are losing yourself in your desire to be accepted or belonging to a tribe, then shift your attention to focusing on things that make you come alive. Building on your strengths and expressing yourself in authentic ways has the power to diminish your need for external validation and acceptance.
Being yourself will help you attract ‘Category A’ people into your life. And what’s more beautiful than that?
2 Quotes
Certainly, there are very real differences between us. But it is not the differences between us that are separating us. It is rather our refusal to recognize those differences.
-Audre Lorde
To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.
-Bell hooks