Happy Sunday!
And welcome to today's edition of 'Conscious living with Purnima'. In today's post I will make an attempt to shift your focus from the elements of self-care (good nutrition, sleep, exercise, stress management) to barriers that prevent you from applying those elements.
I will also share a framework that you can use to better understand the unique challenges that you face, and a few reminders that can help you better care for yourself.
If you connect with the ideas on this post, then do let me know by acknowledging in some way.
I am also starting a new feature - a sharing of 2 quotes that made me pause & reflect. Today's quotes are connected to the day’s topic of discussion.
Let's get straight to it.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” - C.G. Jung
We hear enough about what to eat, what exercise to do, how much to sleep etc. We all have access to information in these areas. Shouldn't that make us all thrive and be the best examples of self-care? Ironically that's not the case, isn’t it? What do you think is coming in the way?
I believe that our task is not merely to do the things that science, our textbooks and our health coaches tell us is the right thing to do for Self-care, but also identify the barriers that prevent us from doing those things and break those barriers.
This post is going to be a deep dive into that.
Barriers to effective Self-care:
1. Societal conditioning:
Our Society has a huge influence on us & our choices. Your gender, socio-economic status, education, community you live in etc. will impact your ability to better care for yourself. Whether you are consciously aware of this or not.
As a woman, I face challenges aplenty. But when I call them out, I am able to address them better. For this post let me call out 1:
In our society, most women are designated caretakers. This label becomes even more pronounced after marriage & kids. We become extensions of our family - someone's mom, someone's wife and our individual identities start to weaken. If we are not careful, we can lose ourselves in this caretaking role, not paying attention to our own needs.
To share my own personal experience, when I meet people in my family & also other social circles, most of them will ask me a lot of questions about my daughter - how her studies & extra-curricular activities are going. This will be followed by questions about my husband - his work, travel etc. Other than a perfunctory how are you, very few people care to ask me about my work or other interests that I am truly passionate about. The only people who do ask about them are strangers who don't know much about my family background.
Our society repeatedly reinforces this idea that the primary role of a woman is to "take care of others". Internalizing this can make one feel guilty about putting oneself first. And as a ‘Women's Fitness Coach’, I have come across many women who go through this predicament and struggle to come out of it.
And why am I talking about this? Because if we don't bring these seemingly innocuous things to light, then we risk succumbing to their adverse influence on us.
2. Your work-life:
Whether you work alone or work with a team, it will bring its own set of issues. We can go through the motions of a physical workout for our bodily health, but if we are not aware of the mental health issues that our work brings us, then we are not truly practicing effective self-care.
3. Relationships and social support:
Self-care is not an independent project. We need the support of people around us. Have a hard look at how supported or unsupported you are. It’s necessary that you gauge this well, as this will have an impact on how well you can care for yourself.
4. Life stage:
Being in your mid-life (40's & up) will bring its own set of challenges. If you are just starting work, that will have its own set of challenges. And what if you just became a parent? Again, new set of difficulties. Acknowledge these.
5. Other aspects such as your financial health, career, personal responsibilities:
These will have an impact too on your ability to devote time for self-care.
6. Everyday vagaries:
There are days when the heart feels heavy, and days when the heart feels light. There are days even simple tasks feel arduous and days we feel like we can take on the world. So, does it make sense to have a standardized self-care routine? No, right? Each day will need to be customized. By you.
How can we go about self-care:
1. Honour your life:
Here is a framework that includes the big items I spoke about previously. List them down. And see how your chart shapes up. Fill out the first 5 boxes first. The last box (daily vagaries) will change on a day-to-day basis.
Doing this exercise will give you clarity on the barriers you face & how you can go about breaking them. A good sense of what your life is about will help you devise a self-care plan that factors your unique challenges. If you think there is something else that's big, that I haven't factored, then let me know so I can expand my framework.
2. Learn to communicate clearly:
A lot of times we struggle to process what we are going through and struggle with articulating our needs to ourselves. Talk to a loved one or a close friend about things that are bothering you in your head. And if you have no one, use a journal. Your journal can be the therapist you need to unearth your deepest needs.
Also, nobody can read your mind so make sure that if you need support then you ask for it in as many words as necessary. People understand straightforward language. Use the awareness wheel that I spoke about in my previous post to understand yourself and speak clearly.
Going back in time, I remember this incident when I was practicing Yoga on the terrace of my house and my 5-year-old nephew was also there jumping around and playing. He looked at me practicing & could not for the life of him figure out why I was doing what I was doing. It didn't look like anything fun to him, so he innocently came up to me & asked, "Chitti, why are you doing this?". It made me smile. I don't quite remember how I responded but I know that if I told him, doing Yoga made me happy, he would have gotten his answer. Isn't that how it is in life? Some people don't see how something can be important to us because it doesn't align with their world view. But that shouldn't stop us from speaking our mind.
3. Positive self-talk:
How we feel is largely a function of the stories we tell ourselves. Pay attention to what you are telling yourself & see if it's making you feel energized or drained. No problem is insurmountable. If you believe in that, then half the battle is won. As Naval Ravikant put it, "life is really a single player game. It's all going on in your head."
4. Have several metrics of success, not just one:
Having only 1 metric for success puts you in a disadvantageous position. For instance, success in your professional life doesn't have to equate to money & promotion alone. It can also be the satisfaction you get from the work you do or building good work relationships. Don't be stuck on one thing as that will make you unhappy if you feel unfulfilled in that area.
5. Finally, don't give up
Do you know what self-love is? It's being committed to prioritize actions that help you feel better in body, mind and spirit even when it's hard.
It doesn't matter what the world thinks of you, remind yourself every day that:
You matter.
Your needs matter.
And you will do everything in your capacity to fulfill those needs and take good care of yourself.
Take that vow. Today.
2 Quotes
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
- Carl Rogers
Men are not free when they are doing just what they like. Men are only free when they are doing what the deepest self likes. And there is getting down to the deepest self! It takes some diving.
- D. H. Lawrence